We took Beth to the Provo MTC on Tuesday to drop her off at 1:30. we left her house around 10:45 and drive to Rivian down to Provo. Riva had come to our house at 10:30 to go with us. we had to use a hitch rack to take down one of her big suitcases we drove straight to Provo to meet Eliza. Eliza is in school at BYU and had a class at noon so we got to campus about 11:30 and took some cute pictures of the girls and gave them a moment by themselves to say goodbye for a year and a half. We then decided to go to a restaurant called Sweets which serves Hawaiian food in Provo. As we approached the lady who worked there she noticed that Beth had a missionary tag on and said oh we have a missionary missionaries eat free at a restaurant so we all had either pork or chicken, some delicious pineapple and some macaroni salad with rice. Then it was time to make the difficult journey to the MTC. We decided to stop and take some pictures near a church by the MTC. On the drive to the church, Andrew said “I’m going to miss you Bunc” (his nickname for Beth which combines her first initial and the word Unc which currently means old). She said “Ahh, I’m going to miss you too.”. He then pulled out a tiny bag of his hard candies from Japan and said “Eat one of these when you are missing us.” So sweet! We could see that the new Temple in Provo is under construction and the steeple is just a shell at this point. We took some pictures with that temple in the background to show what in the history of that Temple was going on when we dropped Beth off for her mission. My tears which had been flowing on and off for two days continued to flow. I thought, this is too hard. What will happen if I can’t leave her at the MTC? Andrew and Riva darted across the street to a field so she could take pictures of the temple under construction. Beth and I had a moment alone. I gave her a hug and as I did, I felt my spirit shake. She said, “Not you shaking.” So she could feel it too. It was a physical manifestation to me that confirmed that this is where she is supposed to be. I really needed that. The grief was so strong but I know she is doing what she needs to be doing.
As we were taking pictures we were approached by a father who asked Kevin to take pictures of their family. His wife and two daughters, one of which had a tag on, were with him. I said to the mom, “This is torture.” She said “I can’t even talk about it.” I was glad to not be alone in my suffering. We took Beth’s picture with some MTC signs. The moment of separation was quickly approaching. We were supposed to say our goodbyes before we entered the gates of the MTC and drove into the underground parking garage. We continued to say our goodbyes, went back to the car and drove through the gates of the MTC. They asked if we were dropping an elder or a sister and put a colored sticky note on our window to indicate we were dropping off a sister. We pulled in and were directed to lane 4. We were about four cars back from the front of the line in that row. They told us we could get out with our missionary and get their luggage. We all got out, Kevin, Beth, and Andrew got her luggage out. These last possible moments with her were filled with tears for me. Riva and Andew were trying not to cry. Kevin seemed well composed. He said, “I’m going to tell you two things, One, I love you”….and I couldn’t hear the second. Him saying I love you is very rare. She’s heard it maybe once before. I was so proud of him for being able to say it. She hugged Andrew and Riva, I hugged her again. I had to kiss her kissable cheeks and the top of her head. There was an escort assigned to her who was a sister heading to Brazil who told me, “she’ll be okay, they take good care of us here”. That did make me feel a little better. It was time to drive out. The other cars in front of us drove away but I could hardly bare it so we held up the line a little. She started walking away with the escort. I craned my neck to see her walk away. I saw her back and then continued to crane my neck 3 or 4 times as we drove away but I couldn’t see her again.
Tears from my and quietness from the rest of us in the car. Riva said, “I’ve got a headache.” I said, “from crying?”. She said “from trying not to cry.” I said, “I don’t want to go home.” Andrew said “Mom you have to or it will get harder and harder.” So we drove home. Andrew couldn’t talk on the drive. Riva and I tried to talk with him but we could tell that if he let himself talk, his emotions would take over.
When we arrived home, I got out of the car with Riva on the passenger side and told Riva: “Who could have known that one of the reasons Beth said “I go your house” was that one day her little brother would need Riva so much?” She teared up and said that she would be reaching out to him and wait until he is ready to talk. She then got in her car and left.
Andrew had gone directly inside from getting out on the driver’s side without talking and went right up to his room. Twenty to thirty minutes he came down in his pajamas with no glasses on and red rimmed eyes. That smashed my heart too.
I had to move, I couldn’t sit and wallow right away. Andrew even agreed to go for a walk with us. We went around the neighborhood and ran into Kiki and her kiddos. Reubini called out, “Hello, Paula!” The name of a woman in our ward who was very good friends with Kiki’s mom who passed away in September. It was a huge compliment to be called Paula as she and her husband are like angels on earth and do so much to love and serve other people. Kiki is really good friends with Beth. She was in such a bad mood that she didn’t ask about Beth. I asked her how she was and she said, “Same sh*t, different day.” As we approached our house, Jessica Lopez from two doors down came to tell us she was sorry that they couldn’t come to Beth’s farewell but her mother passed away and that has been a lot to deal with. She was so kind. We also ran into our next door neighbor Lana Emery. She understood our pain because she sent her son Brantley on a mission to Paris probably 15-20 years ago. It was good to talk to people.
Mother checked on me through text which was so good. It is so nice to know that other people know I am hurting.
I didn’t want to do anything for the rest of the day. Everything felt futile. I had spent a month plus of thinking about and working every day toward getting her ready for her mission. We had leftovers from her last dinner with us at Texas Roadhouse for dinner.
Krista texted me and asked if she could come over and we could talk and go for a walk. Yes, please. I didn’t want to be alone. She came over at 6:30 and we sat and talked. It felt so good to talk to someone who understood the pain. Calvin came with her and played games with Andrew which was really good for him.
At 8:53 pm Beth was able to send us an email saying she was okay and she was at the MTC. She will be calling and texting us through Google Chat and we can send her emails at beth.taylor@missionary.org. It was a relief to hear from her but made me wish I could ask her so many more questions about her first moments there.
Last night, Andrew's friend Jonathan saw me out walking Yoshi and pulled his minivan over to talk. He said I need to tell you something and he handed me his phone that showed his Alaska Air ticket to Anchorage leaving in two days on Halloween. He is going to stay with his aunt and uncle there for the rest of his junior year. I talked with him about it and tried to hold my grief together but then I thought about how Andrew has just lost his sister and now is losing his only friend in our ward/neighborhood. I thought, why would Heavenly Father do this to him? But I immediately had the thought that Andrew is in Heavenly Father's hands and this will work for his good. The tears flowed freely as I used broken speech to express my gratitude to Jonathan for his love and kindness toward Andrew. He did say he'll be back for winter break so maybe they can see each other then.
Now, it is Friday evening and today has also been rough. Since she left I have felt like there is a boot smashing down on my chest and I’ve felt sick to my stomach. I have eaten only comfort food and I tried to nap yesterday but could not sleep. I wake up thinking about her absence.
I went to Glo, my current therapist who has two daughters in Brazil on missions. We could talk about the pain and how easily the tears come when thinking about them. She also said she had a friend whose daughter had just returned from her mission and she said her friend has wished away her daughter’s entire mission. I do not want to wish away Beth’s mission. This is her sacred time to love and serve the Lord. This will bring her closer to her Heavenly Father. I am so proud of her and know that this will link her testimony to heaven for the rest of her life.
My therapist told me the first three days are the hardest, then the first three weeks, and the first three months and actually the first six months are pretty hard. She said this is the most unnatural thing to do, to send our kids away.
We went to Arempas tonight and took Riva there for the first time. It is one of my favorite restaurants. I have no desire to shop, cook, or organize/clean anything. I'd love to take to my bed, but I know that it would become so hard to leave it. I love that baby girl of mine. I am anxiously awaiting her first phone call with us but at this point we don't know which day her p-day is so we have no idea when we will hear from her. That is tricky, to not have an idea of when we will hear from her.
